Should I stay or should I go?

How do we decide to leave or stay in a relationship?
You get to an age and stage in life when the person you're dating isn't just filling a temporary void, but someone who you start assessing; whether they are capable of being a suitable life partner, someone you want to have kids with, a person who is financially stable and mature.
I have been dating someone for almost 2 years and have been living together for almost a year. I am 30, own my apartment and have a solid career. My partner was born in South Africa but grew up in Zimbabwe (and before you ask, he's white), he's been living in London for over 5 years (despite a minor glitch in March where he got deported for 3 months after arriving back from our vacation in Zimbabwe with an expired visa), he's terrible with his finances, never cared about the future and has quite the "yolo" personality... but I love him!
He's managed to sort his finances, pension scheme and think about making a future plan, which has made things a bit better but I do feel like a have a heavy weight on my shoulders; and that weight is knowing that we'd be going through life with me as the breadwinner, me stressing about finances and planning life.
It's 2019 and I should be more than ok being the "boss" at home #feminism, but I can't help but feel a bit deflated by it. I used to dream of having a beautiful home, with 2 children, a golden retreiver wearing a red handkerchief scarf, driving a nice 4x4. Because my boyfriend doesn't earn much it would mean I would be giving all that up. But does this mean I should put superficiality and materialistic objects before my happiness?
Lately I've almost wanted something to happen to make a break up easier if I'm already having these doubts.

Caitlin Moran, How To Be Famous (page 8)

You don’t live in London. You play London – to win. That’s why we’re all here. It is a city full of contestants, each chasing one of a million possible prizes: wealth, love, fame. Inspiration.

I have the pages of the A-Z stuck on my wall – so I can stare at the entirety of London, trying to learn every mews, alley and byway. And when you take four paces back from the wall – so you’re pressed up against your chest of drawers, staring at it – what those network of streets most closely resembles is a computer circuit board. The people are the electricity jumping through it – where we meet, and collide, is where ideas are hatched, problems solved, things created. Where things explode. Me, and the sad man from Blur, and six million others – we’re trying to rewire things. We’re trying, in whatever tiny way we can, to make new connections between things. That is the job of a capital city: to invent possible futures, and then offer them up to the rest of the world. ‘We could be like this? Or this? We could say these words, or wear these clothes – we could have people like this, if we wanted?’

We are Henceforth-mongers, tying to make our Henceforth the most enticing. Because the secret of everyone who comes to London – who comes to any big city – is that they came here because they did not feel normal, back at home. The only way they will ever feel normal is if they hijack popular culture with their weirdness, inject themselves into the circuitry, and – using the euphoric stimulants of music, and pictures, and words, and fashion – make the rest of the world suddenly wish to become as weird as them. To find a way to be a better rock star, or writer. To make the rest of the world want to paint their walls electric blue, too… because a beautiful song told them to. I want to make things happen.

From then to now...

My name is Emily Jayne Radcliffe and I am 30…. 30!!! Looking back on all my formative years and I always imagined something different, as I'm sure we all do. When I was a teenager I used to always say I’d be married with 2 kids by the time I’m 27, which now seems so far fetched. We often spend so much of our lives planning and assuming instead of just living in the moment and going with the flow; constantly comparing our lives to our friends and people we see on TV. When the reality is that we all have separate paths we’re supposed to take. It’s sometimes an exciting roller-coaster or perhaps a straight path with a couple unexpected speed bumps, but we all make it our own. You are the maker of your destiny.

On the contrary I am happy to say that I am a completely better person compared to over a decade ago. I have significantly matured, I feel like I have a better sense of who I am and I am extremely responsible.

It’s crazy that I considered 17-20 the best years of my life. I was prioritising my crushes over school work, hanging out with college kids who didn’t have a care in the world (or a curfew for that matter). Driving over 100mph to frat parties on a Friday night. I once drove whilst shrooming and I no joke could have killed someone. I would go to the mall with empty shopping bags which I would gradually fill with stolen merchandise. I drove around soon to be convicts with 5lb of weed in the trunk thinking it was fine because I had diplomatic plates. I regularly used to drink heavily and drive home thinking I was fine. I lost a friend in a car accident because the girl driving was on a whole mixture of drugs, she crashed into a tree and he went through the windshield from the back seat; it turned into a big murder trial on the news. I had several one night stands with guys I barely knew because I thought that’s all they really wanted from me anyway, and weirdly thought it would make me more desirable, instead it just made me feel used. I got pregnant at the ripe age of 19 with someone who was sleeping with every girl between the ages of 15-25 in Fairfax County; my mother didn’t discuss much with me when I showed her the pregnancy test except that she would book an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get rid of it. I had a total of about 6 car accidents because of my pure stupidity which ended up costing my parents tons of money on insurance premiums. I had sex with someone as payment for fixing a wall that a “friend” smashed through during a party at my parents friends house I was looking after. I got cyber bullied terribly after getting in with the wrong crowd. The night I moved from NOVA to London the guy who knocked me up and stopped acknowledging me stuck a loaded gun in my face when I showed up to his house because his actual girlfriend inside (a year later I keyed his car pretty badly and another year on from that we got engaged, applied for a fiancé visa, which then ended terribly!).

Crazy right? I thought so… happy to say that I don’t do any of the above anymore and I work hard at my job, personal life and home. I am surrounded by great friends and family who are incredibly supportive.

Testing out "The Ordinary Hyaluranic Acid 2% + B5"

So I turned 30 and am now massively conscious about trying to keep my skin plump, youthful and hydrated. There's been a huge buzz about the benefits of "Hyaluranic acid" and how it's a powerful skincare ingredient that can help retain moisture. It's a humectant (preserve) that attracts water, hydrating the skin without making it oily. For this reason, serums that contain hyaluronic acid are ideal for those with oily skin. It has the benefit of plumping up fine lines and keeping you hydrated. It's a moisture-binding ingredient that can hold up to 1000 times its weight in water. Essentially a magnet for moisture!!!

Enter.... The Ordinary Hyaluranic Acid. I purchased this larger sized bottle from The Beauty Bay for £10.60, which is an absolute bargain when you compare it to other similar products which come in a smaller bottle. You get way more bang for your buck here... https://www.beautybay.com/p/the-ordinary/supersize-hyaluronic-acid-b5/

I have fairly sensitive skin so was quite nervous to use something like this that has a warning straight away about irritation and stopping use and consulting a physician straight away. 
I used it last night for the first time before my anti-aging night cream (Nivea Q10) and again this morning before my moisturiser (Nivea Visage Daily Essentials for dry & sensitive skin) and I won't lie... my face feels plumper (in a good way) and very hydrated! I would definitely give this product a thumbs up, but I'm sure I will need to use it continuously for at least a month to see real results.

Stay tuned... 

30th Birthday Speech

For anyone struggling to come up with a birthday speech... it took me 6 loooong months to come up with the below! Take a look :)

Hi everyone, I’m really sorry but I’m totally about to give a speech!! I never get the chance to so I thought today would be fitting.

Yesterday marked 3 decades of my life. I turned 30 and am celebrating this game changing milestone with some of my closest friends and family, so thank you for being here (even if it was for the free prosecco and my impressive donut wall). Louise, thank you for flying home early from a wedding in Ibiza for this, and to anyone who has had to make a real effort to be here, it means a lot!

Why don’t I start with some pretty major things that happened the year I was born? In 1989 The Berlin Wall came down, the price of a pint was 96p, we apparently narrowly missed being hit by 2 giant asteroids, the average house price was £57,000, the World Wide Web was created, The Simpsons aired for the first time and above all else, Andrew and Glenda Radcliffe had me… you’re welcome!

When I was 20 I had ideas on what might have happened leading into my 30’s, but facing unemployment and fighting for my boyfriend to come home from Africa wasn’t on the agenda, so I jumped onto Google and looked into “what happens when you turn 30?”. According to science, we just get better. Our brains sharpen, we actually start to own our personality (rather than many), are less insecure, stress less (although I find that one highly debatable), and most of all you finally feel free to be yourself. I have an awesome range of friends in here (special shout out to the Plastics and the Mean Girls, you know who you are!) who all accept me for who I am (unless there’s something you guys aren’t telling me, in which case this just got really awkward).

It truly is a wonder how I got this far in life. You’re looking at the girl who thought a Didgeridoo was a bird, zebras were horses with their pj’s on, Zimbabwe was in South Africa (apologies to a lot of the room on that one, although thanks to Sophie, I wasn’t the only one who thought that), I thought the lyrics to a Fugees song were “painting his thumb with his finger”, amongst many other lyrics I have gotten tragically wrong. I thought the phrase nip it in the bud was “nip it in the butt”. I cry at the drop of a pin, but mostly when I see old people on their own (just thinking about it now is making me well up). But if there’s one thing I do get right, it’s getting to the airport around 4 hours before a flight so I can allow for any delays and sensibly pregame. It’s the Radcliffe way to be hours early than 5 minutes late: isn’t that right Glenda?

Mom and dad you have been my biggest fans and supporters no matter how much of a pain in the ass I have been. Dad I know you’re currently thinking back to how many times I made your insurance premium go up on your car, and again… I am sorry… those other cars came outta nowhere, all 5 times!! After all you had my back when my history teacher called to complain about me failing; because you knew how tough moving had been (that guy was such an asshole anyway)! Or mom maybe that time you were called about me trying to skip school to get my first tattoo (such fond memories), but never forget when I punched that guy in the face who stole your purse from Pizza Express… after all no one messes with my mama. I think I have spent the majority of my life giving you both a lot of grief for making me move schools so many times, and firstly in front of everyone here, I wanted to say sorry and above all else, thank you because I stand here surrounded by people I otherwise wouldn’t have met. Without a doubt I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you both and I appreciate every single word of encouragement, hug and tear wiped away over my 30 years. I honestly don’t think I give you both enough credit for how much you do for me and I am eternally grateful. 

My sister Amanda; whose birthday is today if I haven’t already mentioned and apologies again for hijacking your day; It’s actually a running joke that me and my sister were born basically exactly 2 years apart… my dad’s birthday is 9 months before… now we know what moms gift is to you every year. Amanda, even though we are like chalk and cheese I consider you the best friend I ever had. It’s hard to believe we used to absolutely hate each other when we were younger. I used to try beating you up or you used to monitor the mileage on the car to prove to mom I had been lying about where I had been the night before; or how about that time you made mom drive around the block to catch me trying to skip my SAT prep class. God, I always loved you coming to visit us out there. No matter what, you have always been there for me and I am always appreciative of every little thing you do. You’ll never understand how much a simple hug or you saying “I’m here for you” means to me. Thank you for always having my back, as I will always have yours as we continue to grow up together closer than ever!

I have to give a shout out to Bryn, I honestly don’t know how you put up with me, but I think I’ve put up with more, so I win! You know, there’s not many people who can wake up next to a girl whose hair magically transforms into that of Donald Trumps and still calls her beautiful. I can never explain how blessed I am that you came into my life when you did, even after your little “deportation” issue, which I’m still trying to laugh about now; I have never felt so excited to pick someone up from the airport before. I’m also pretty sure my parents are relieved I finally convinced someone to date me, and someone who can fix things around the flat at that, what a bonus. Thank you for whacking the bugs out the way and putting up with my “hangry” attitude! Here’s to many more years arguing about what to have for dinner.

To wrap up, life has really taken me places and after 3 countries lived, 11 homes, 9 sets of flatmates, 9 jobs (soon to be 10, shout out to Fay and Lindsay), 2 redundancies, 1 flat purchased, about 1,253 meltdowns, and countless bottles of cheap pinot grigio it’s been compassion, free spirit and courage that has gotten me this far in life but I couldn’t do it without a fair few of you in this room, so please raise your glasses and toast to yourselves and me finally turning 30… cheers!

2018.. a giant punch in the tit

Do you wanna know what really pisses me off... everything! Literally... everything!!

2018 was supposed to be "my year", as everyone says every year, but this felt different. I have a great job at a great company, great friends, am 1 year into owning my first flat, which has finally come together, met a great guy who is now my boyfriend. Then everything just turns to shit. In April I found out my "boyfriend" was also seeing a couple other people after being "DM'd" on instagram. My flat always has something wrong with it and turned into a money pit. People who I thought were my friends really aren't and I have felt super ignored and neglected, even though I put 110% into every friendship. And to top this year off I got told I lost my job last Monday. 2018 can suck a major dick if you ask me! Honestly feels like I get punched in the tit 10 times a day.

I used to be surrounded by great people and friends at work, but now they've all left and I was left with one friend who spends most her time screwing her way around a friendship group and is more concerned with fitting in with the cool kids (who are fucking losers if you ask me). I usually eat in our cafe on my own, while everyone else laughs together and has fun. I then go out and read my book outside somewhere (god what a sorry case I sound like!).

I'm being forced to sign a settlement agreement at work which ties me in for however long it will take to sell off our portfolio, which could be anything between 6 months - 3 years???!?! I mean how fucking ridiculous is that. It's going to be a torturous (however long) of just disposing assets. Fun!

I also (no thanks to past relationships) have severe trust issues with my boyfriend, who can't seem to understand where I'm coming from. THIS RELATIONSHIP HARDLY STARTED ON TRUST BUDDY WHEN YOU WERE GOING AROUND TOWN DIPPING YOUR WEINER IN ANY CHICK THAT WOULD TAKE IT. And you know what, it's probably my fault that I've put myself in this position. What can I say, I was clearly "blinded by infatuation", blinded by someone who I thought was being honest and true. You can't trust anyone ladies, especially at the beginning. I unfortunately wear my heart on my sleeve (or some bullshit like that).

It's really true that as you head towards your 30's you really start seeing where you stand with people and you start being super cut throat about who you spend your time with and who you know is there for you as much as you are there for them. I have learnt so much over the past decade about friendships. I moved to London at the age of 20 and people who I thought were my friends back in the states soon enough showed that they didn't really care. I only truly now hear from a couple of them (shout out to Edgar and Katia.. ya'll the real MVP's!). I just turned 29 and I can probably count on one hand people who I can honestly rely on to be there for me if I needed them. I didn't have the privilege of growing up with the same people going to the same schools in the same country and going home to the same house I was raised in. I've never had a "home", I've never had a place to always go back to. Even the flat I just bought doesn't feel like home. My therapist told me that I "don't know who I am" and have no "sense of belonging". Putting a bookshelf up in my place was a struggle because I've never been able to do that before. Everything was a rental, a "the embassy wont approve of that" a "Emily why is there bluetack on your walls... I told you not to hang that here, this isn't our home".

People always wonder why I am the way I am. You know what people... I'm angry. I'm an angry person who is bitter about a lot of things in life that I didn't have control over. Moving every few years, switching schools, learning new languages, my dad running off with his secretary then coming crawling back.

Weirdly the moral of this story is that I am giving up on a few things. I give up on trying to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own. I give up on trying so hard at a job which finds me so disposable. I give up on trying to care so much about my boyfriend. I give up on always trying to keep up with appearances. I give up...

Love out of Nowhere

If you asked me 6 months ago, where I would be today... I'd just say "still single", sarcastically.

In January of this year I went round to my neighbour Nina's flat to complain about the people living below us who turned out to be heavy pot smokers and like to play trance music at 5am on a Sunday. She had her friend, Bryn, over for dinner, who was also South African and moved here from Zimbabwe. I thought absolutely nothing of it and didn't spend much time looking at him or acknowledging him at all. He tried cracking a few lame jokes, and I forced laughter... fast forward a couple weeks and he's added me on instagram, liked about 25 historical posts, and DM'd me (come on guys, you have to admit this obviously sounds like the start of a 2018 romance). He asked for my number and then we started texting. Come February, I had planned drinks out with my neighbours in Wimbledon and he tagged along. He was adorable. We drank (far too much) and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

We woke up in bed together the next day (yes... I know I broke one of my dating rules!) we laid, laughed and fooled around for hours. The idea of this usually makes me cringe and I would rather guys not stay the night, let alone hang out all morning. But with him it felt different. After catching the train to Wimbledon together (where I was supposed to go to the gym, but the hangover shakes took over and I ended up in Sainsbury's buying a pizza), I said goodbye. We texted all day.

I saw him the next day and the next day and the next day.... we felt inseparable.

I had a vacation to the US to see my friends and when I came home and Bryn picked me up from the airport at 6am, I decided this was the opportune time to ask "what this was... is this a relationship". I was told he doesn't like labels and was happy the way it was, which in reality broke my heart and I cried quite a bit. I didn't sleep a wink that night as he laid next to me.

He would like every picture on my instagram and comment cute kissy face emojis etc, and then I started noticing some girl called "Dom" who kept popping up as a viewer of my instagram stories. When I'd click on her profile it would say the only mutual connection was Bryn. I did some digging and saw they had recently gone to a concert together with a group of people but that was it. "Who is Dom", I asked Bryn... after a delay he told me she was just a friend, and I believed him. She wasn't the best looking person in my opinion anyway.

Fast forward to being invited to Bryn's BBQ where I was meeting his brother and friends for the first time. I met his best friend Shane, and his girlfriend Paula, who told me she was under the impression that I was being introduced as his girlfriend, which confused me even more. So I told him that I decided I wanted to back away if we both didn't want the same things. Only then did he start to change his tune at the thought of losing me. We both hugged and kissed it out and continued to drink. The party dwindled down and everyone except his brother had left. We were playing a game of darts in his out house, when he decided to put his hand on the dartboard and I completely shot a dart through his hand.... his brother caught it all on video and it was too good not to post on instagram. I kid you not, within what felt like 30 seconds, this girl Dom added me on instagram, liked the post and her name popped up on Bryns phone as a caller. I took one look at him and said "I knew you were lying.... I knew this girl was more than a friend". He started pacing and looking at his phone, looked up and said "I think she's messaged you". Low and behold I had a message in my DM's from her saying that they had been seeing each other for a year and he just met her dad on her birthday. And that she saw me call his phone last Thursday and he didn't pick up. I knew something was up, but when you're so in lust you're in denial. I stormed out his house fighting the tears back. He ran after me saying he'd been an idiot and was literally on his knees saying he'd stop talking to her, blablabla. After arguing in the streets for what felt like hours, I was emotionally exhausted and decided to stay the night. I continued to receive DM's from this girl (and her best friend???). I didn't reply to a single one.

Moving a couple months on, this man has done nothing but try and prove to me how much he loves me (that's right... he told me he loves me!), and we're with each other all the time, he posts me on his social media because he's proud of our relationship. But I feel like now the fact that he lied and cheated will always be in the back of my mind.

Do you all think I'm an idiot?

Do you think I should cut the cord sooner rather than later?

It's London....

It's rushing for your dear life to a job you never saw yourself doing when you were younger... but somehow fell into and now can't get out of because you have a mortgage to pay.
It's yelling at someone to "move down inside the carriage" because you literally can't breathe in the armpit of some 6'4" stranger.
It's Tuesdays... when I know I can get the Stylist magazine 12 hours early, from the same man. We don't know each other names, but always smile and make eye contact as if we've known each other for years.
It's giving the biggest sigh as the doors close to a Victoria line tube, even though you know another one will be arriving in 60 seconds.
It's paying paying £6 for a pint and constantly complaining about it, but going back all the time to do it again.
It's a place that can be so overrun and crowded, yet you can feel so lonely.

It's London. 

2017/Gender Eqaulity and Who Should Pay For The Drinks???

2017... what a year you have been so far! Going through the depressing motions of Brexit to having a misogynistic prick in the White House makes me feel like we are journeying back in time. I can't begin to express how disappointed I was in the men (and women!!) who voted the orange faced baboon into one of the highest powers in the world. This is someone who called women "beautiful pieces of ass", or that he would have "nailed Princess Diana", "Abortion is punishable", however Mr Trump hit a new low after the emergence of a video in which he discussed "grabbing women by the p****" and states that "when you're a star, they let you do it".... THIS IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?

But before I get into a #trumphatespeech I will go back to the point I was trying to make, which was dating. If the world really feels like we should go back to suppressing women, and not closing the gender pay gap, then ya'll can pay for damn dinner!! 

I am a firm believer that in this day and age I would NEVER expect a man to pay for everything on a date, especially with this whole equal pay gap conversation going around, and women fighting for it. So if we both earn the same, why should we expect them to pay for everything and be out of pocket? Since I've been back in the dating game I've come across many different kinds... 

1. I've had the older man who even if I forced to pay, he wouldn't let me, which felt frustrating because I didn't want him to hold anything over me, but it felt refreshing at the same time. 
2. I also dated one guy who treated me on the first date, then we split the second, and I got the third (although he did buy a few more rounds), which all felt normal and nice! 
3. AND THEN there was the guy (awkwardly named "Guy" as well), who everything had to be 50-50 with. I get that we should never expect a guy to pay for everything, but throw me a damn bone and maybe buy a single round more than me especially when you're trying to "woo me"... On our second date he even booked the restaurant, ordered (the most expensive) bottle of wine and ordered the food, to say "let's split it" at the end... I mean this guy wasn't even trying to fake offering to pay. This obviously made me feel pretty weird. Then 3rd date came around... nope still 50-50. Then he asks me on the 4th date and says he'll book the place and let me know what time etc. My response was a test: "Sorry, I'm totally broke this month after paying out for a lot so not sure if I can make it". Any other guy would probably respond with "well I can treat you this time" or "I'll get this one and you can get the next one?".... BUT NO!!! His reply was "well when do you next get paid then??". Ladies correct me if I am wrong but that was the MOST unattractive response ever and we haven't spoken since. 

I know, I know "equal rights" but we still have a massive way to go in terms of closing the gender pay gap. In fact on this exact day (November 10th) marks the day that women technically don't get paid for the rest of the year compared to men, and that thought makes me sick. And when I have a mortgage, ground rent, rip-off service charges and bills to pay all on my own, I think it would be nice to be treated every once in a while. 

Dating Rules 101

What can I say? It is quite the adventure. From dating someone who lied about their age (and ended up being 20 years older than me) to being sent several messages about my thoughts on English weather to being stood up in a bar and waiting an hour and 15 mins (try not to feel sorry for me though because the bottle of wine I ordered was great… I just didn’t need to ask for 2 glasses), the struggle is real!

It’s crazy to think that everyone in 2017 looking for a life partner will have to turn to online dating. Gone are the days of meeting someone while you’re out in a bar. Unless you’re lucky enough to work alongside potential suitors or have been introduced to your significant other through a mutual friend we can now add “Tinder Swiping Professional” to our resumes.

We all know people who are on dating apps, constantly swapping advice on which one is better. There’s Tinder, Bumble, Happn, eHarmony, Lovestruck, Match… the list is endless. But I will say that someone should come out with an online dating tips book. I’ve decided to compile a list of personal dating profile no no’s:

Stating your salary – It either looks really large so you think they’re lying, or it’s less than what you make, in which case you’d wonder why they’d advertise it. Plus you shouldn’t want a girl after just your money, there’s such a thing as a “personality” to win a girl over.

Usernames – These are key to being able to instantly determine whether someone is a total nob! If a message pops up from “NaughtyButNice”, “BigSteve” or “MrNiceGuy” no matter how many times you compliment me on my “beautiful blue eyes” I can’t get past my first impression of you insinuating you have a massive penis.

Opening Liners of “Hi” – you’re not giving me ANYTHING to work with here guys. Are you incapable of telling me a bit more about yourself or asking me how my day is?

Age Limits – They’re set for a reason guys. I haven’t put an age limit of 28-38 for no reason. Although you’re 25 dog photos on your profile are lovely (John, 58, divorced with 3 children) I must decline your offer of a drink because I am not looking to be a widow at the ripe age of 40. I know some of you will think “oh but age is nothing but a number”, well it’s more than a number when you aren’t able to kick a ball around in the back yard with your son because you just had your 3^rd hip replacement operation, John!

Multiple messages – especially days apart, almost begging for a response. Listen Derek, I got your message on the 27^th July, 1^st August, 3^rd August, 10^th August and again today. I must say that I admire your persistence but you’re starting to come off a little desperate and it’s irritating me.

My favourite opening line – “If you were a Transformer you’d be Optimus Fiiiine”, thank you for that one DearDiaryJackpot, your line was cheesy but I messaged you back due to your pure effort of coming up with that cracker!

Selfies – best to leave that to the girls. Anthony (39, lives in Chelsea) your 8 selfies of you doing the kissy face makes me think that you ticked the wrong “looking for” box when you set up your account.

“Looking for in a girl” – Remember guys, these are advertised on your profile and girls can see what you are “looking for”. One guy’s profile said he was looking for a Scandinavian, Russian or Finnish girl between the ages of 22-24 with green eyes… Best of luck with that one Brian, you’ll be on a dating site for a while with specifications like that. Remember you’re looking for a woman, not a car.



Edit - what's funny is I started writing this blog almost exactly a year ago and I have re-read it for the first time today and my times have changed... in fact I haven't really dated at all, deleted all signs of dating apps and men altogether. I have never felt so confident in myself and so happy with where I am in my life. 
I bought a flat at the end of November last year and moved in 30th May this year and it has completely taken up my time (in a good way!). I feel like I don't need a man to define me, to help me financially or to keep up with the Jones's. 
Women in their 20's come up with these faux deadlines of when they need to move in with a partner, get engaged, get married, have children, have more children... but then what. I used to say I will be married with children by the time I'm 27, which I laugh at now. I'm 28 with no man in sight. Why do we rush all these things in life and not focus on what we have right now and appreciate the freedom? I much prefer doing what I want, when I want, with who I want. Does no one else get excited by the thought that we have no idea what the future holds, and whose hand we will hold? He could be an older man with a lot of money, or maybe a waiter you met on a girls trip in Italy... you are the creator of your own destiny. 
I witness my friends on an almost daily basis driving themselves crazy because "another friend just announced their engagement". Well guess what... almost 80% of the time people settle. They settle because they feel like they should be doing what everyone else is and when they are doing it or because they have been dating since they were 15. Not this girl! I spent the last 8 years since moving to London trying to figure out who I am and relentlessly working on myself... not to waste it on the next guy I swipe right on whose profile is just like every Tom, Dick & Harry "6'2, easily found in a bar and has jokes"... original!
I am determined to find my prince charming and I'm in no rush to get there. Quit looking for the needle in the haystack ladies... instead be the one who accidentally stumbles upon the hay-bale and it sticks her in the butt by surprise :) 

100 Days of Happy (is this really happening?)

100 days of Happy. I have recently embarked on "100 days of Happy", where they challenge you to be happy for 100 days straight, create a hashtag (mine being #Jolly100) and post photos with a description of what made you most happy that day. 

Living in the high paced environment that is London it becomes extremely difficult to not get angry over silly things. Here is a list of my biggest pet peeves:

• Someone walking at a snails pace on the side walk in front of you; or 4 people walking together leaving no room for you to pass so you can catch your tube which only comes every 60 seconds
• Waiting to board a smelly train after it was delayed for (only) 6 mins
• Trying to fit in going to the gym after working over 8 hours at a job you know isn't really for you
• Wasting time on dead end dates, when all you want to do is be married to please your mother
• Paying the most ridiculous rent for a shoe box sized room 
• Leaving the house in summer with beautifully styled hair and a fresh face of make up to get on the tube and turn up to work looking like you just stepped out the shower with panda eyes
• Living with 2 housemates who have absolutely no clue about life and bitch and moan about the most mundane things (i.e. "why is the wifi not working" and sending dozens of texts back and forth in our group chat, for me to just go out and un-plug it and plug it back in for it to work again. I mean who would ever think to do such a thing?)
• Having other people at work who take the absolute piss but get ahead of you in the end

The list will honestly never end and I'm sure you all feel the same or can relate to at least 3 of the above. But alas! I refuse to be brought down by the hectic lifestyles we lead. I am determined to find something good in every day and make every day the best.

Day 1: I was sitting in the middle of the tube carriage (aka not in a priority seat) and gave my seat up to a heavily pregnant woman. I tackled through at least 3 sweaty arm pits to exchange my seat for a cramped standing position against an old mans freakishly long beard, and spent the rest of my journey scowling at the overweight lady sitting in the priority seat... but I felt good about the good deed. It can't be nice being heavily pregnant on a "sauna" tube with swollen feet! 

Tonight, after a dull 8 hours of reading through boring building contracts and answering ridiculous questions from people who get paid far to much for what they really do, I am meeting up with 3 of my closest girlfriends for dinner on the South Bank (photo proof of me having a fab time is still to come).

I think everyone should embark on 100 days of happy.... I mean it can't do any harm!

Anxiety.... where do I begin. I have been anxious my entire life but have always tried to sweep it under the rug and convince myself that I was just overreacting. I find myself getting anxious over a train waiting on the tracks between platforms for 30 seconds, before work meetings where I don't even have to say anything, getting to the airport on time, finding a husband, affording a house, wondering if I will have children... the list is endless, and it's taking over my life. 

The worst anxiety attack I ever had was before my driving test (of all things). I blacked out and smashed my back against my bedroom door, with the door knob cracking me in the back, and then I couldn't stop vomiting. One thing that works me up even more is the fact that I feel like no one else would react like this so why am I???

Physical symptoms of anxiety are:

• a pounding heartbeat
• breathing faster
• palpitations (an irregular heartbeat)
• feeling sick
• chest pains
• headaches
• sweating
• loss of appetite
• feeling faint
• needing the toilet more frequently
• "butterflies" in your tummy

So you can imagine it makes you feel uneasy the majority of the time. I used to get severely anxious over past cheating boyfriends and wouldn't be able to eat, to the point where with one of my exes I lost 35lbs... and for someone of my height 5'8", looked and felt like a lot. My heart also beats irregularly which I find quite scary and it's hard to get under control. 

You read those articles that tell you to "breathe, do a yoga pose and try not to overthink", those people have clearly never had the overpowering sense of anxiety I have. 

It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my overall happiness so will visit my GP in the coming weeks and will report back on whether they have a better resolution for people rather than "breathing".

Alcohol and Weight Loss

I don't know about you guys but I LOVE a couple glasses of wine at home after a long hard day at work. During a diet you don't really think about the calories you drink. I know that you should have full fat coke etc but I never think about alcohol (probably because I love it too much). But if I added up how many calories I am adding to my diet from wine alone, it's shocking. It feels like the time I spend at the gym is wasted because the calories I burn off is probably just the alcohol so my weight loss will be at a standstill. 

I did some research and I found out the below information:
1 can of Beer = 150 calories, 13g Carbohydrates, 14mg Sodium
5 fl oz Wine = 100 calories, 4g Carbohydrates, 7mg Sodium
1.5 fl oz Vodka = 97 calories, 0g Carbohydrates, 0mg Sodium

Clearly beer is the worst in terms of carbs etc, and it has been proven to give women a gut and make us bloat, so I have decided to stay fully clear of beer for a while! I will never say I am completely giving up alcohol because I love it too much on the weekends, but won't be drinking during the week.

The below chart is also quite useful when comparing calories & alcohol!

£1 Nivea Cream better than Crème de la Mer?!

... the answer is yes! 
I have been an avid user of Nivea Creme since I was maybe 16 and have never looked back. I know of several celebrities such as Kate Winslet (37) and Joan Collins (80) who use Nivea Creme and their skin is beautiful... even at 80. Check out the "difference" below!

I never saw the point in spending hundreds of pounds on moisturizers that were overrated when I know the £1 something pot works wonders. It's too thick to wear during the day so I put it on before bed so it has a good 8 hours to be absorbed and I wake up with very soft skin that's not oily. 
During the day before putting my make-up on I use a light weight moisturizer from Johnson's called "Johnson's face care - daily essentials, hydrating, 24 hours day cream with SPF 15". 
I believe it is highly beneficial to use a moisturizer which has an SPF also so your skin isn't damaged by the suns rays, which yes, can still happen in the winter! This is also hydrating and doesn't allow your make-up to dry out your skin, which is a bonus especially when its very dry and windy outside. 
You can find it at Boots retailing for about £4.07  http://www.boots.com/en/Johnsons-Daily-Essentials-24hour-Day-Cream-with-SPF-15-for-Normal-Skin-50ml-_1110461/

You can also find the Nivea Cream at Boots retailing for £1.49 for a small pot or £2.39 for the larger one  http://www.boots.com/en/Nivea-Creme-50ml_6105/




Hope you find this information useful as we all know how hard it is to find the right moisturizer, but everyone's skin is different!

Cellulite Shmellulite

Why God.... WHY do we get cellulite?!?!?! I think I would feel so much more confident about the skin I am in if I didn't have cellulite. There are so many products out there that claim to "banish cellulite" and they always get me excited but I need to come back down to earth and realize NOTHING banishes cellulite. It's just one of those things that will stay with you for the rest of your life. But don't get me wrong, there are lots of ways to reduce the appearance of cellulite such as working out, fake tan, coffee scrubs etc.

I bought a skin brush about a year ago, and to be honest it has been in the back on my bathroom cabinet for about that long too, but I will be cracking it back out. I used it a few times and it definitely did make me feel like I was tightening the skin up and making it softer at the same time, so I would definitely recommend this!

What I have been dying to try is the sugar coffee scrub. I found this mix on Pinterest, and along with everything else, I have pinned it to a board and never tried it. 

All you need is the below:

1 cup Sugar

1/8 cup Coffee grounds

1/4 cup Almond Oil

2 tsp. Vanilla Extract

While in the shower use on your already washed areas, massage into your skin in a circular motion and allow to sit there out of the water to let it soak in. After 10 minutes simply rinse the mixture off, pat dry and use your favourite moisturizer.

Here is how it works, the coffee grounds will stimulate a surface blood flow to the affected area, this will enable the fatty deposits to circulate and over time diminish. The sugar acts as an exfoliator and aids in the blood flow stimulation during the scrub.

Hope you all found this helpful and happy cellulite diminishing!

Be Stronger Than Your Excuses!

Obviously want to keep you all up to date on my health and fitness progress and I am happy to announce I worked out 4 times this week and ate very healthily (minus one dinner out for a friends birthday... and a brownie I just had for lunch!) You have to reward yourselves sometimes in order to keep your diet sustainable otherwise when you go back to regular food you'll just instantly pile on the pounds!

My usual gym routine is fast paced walking on the treadmill on a high incline (makes your butt really feel the burn) for 40 mins, which for me is about 400 calories. I then go on the cross trainer for another 20-25 mins, which is another 200 calories. I am also getting to terms with the fact that if I want to raise my metabolism and burn more calories I need to use the weights too. My favorite is the thigh adductor machine which really works your inner/outer thighs, which I desperately need help with because "hello cellulite central!"
My next challenge will be working out my arms. I am always jealous of those women who have incredible arms (not saying I want muscle mania arms, but Michelle Obama's will do!)

I found the below to be quite helpful/interesting and in order to find the full work out plans here's the link > http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/best-workout-for-your-body-type

These are a few of my favourite things...

We all have those items in our closet that makes us feel ever powerful when we wear them, so I thought I would share a few with you!

Number 1:

First and foremost I am a firm believer that your handbag says a lot about you. I would never and I mean NEVER leave the house with a bag that was worn out, frayed or missing a strap (as I have seen many times on the London underground) and my bag of the moment is my Michael Kors Hamilton Tote 

(find here on their website http://www.michaelkors.com/p/MICHAEL-Michael-Kors-MICHAEL-Michael-Kors-Hamilton-Large-Tote-VIEW-ALL-HANDBAGS/prod12380001_cat3003_cat8501_/?index=106&cmCat=cat000000cat8501cat3003&isEditorial=false) 

I call him Michael and he even has his own special place on my desk at work. This bag has structure, a shoulder strap and beautiful silver details.

I think above everything else you wear, your bag is your statement piece and this bag says "I'm a strong independent woman", without sounding silly. I can tell this bag will last a good amount of time, although I rotate my handbags like I rotate my tires!

Number 2:

My Tory Burch ballerina flats. The price tag (at £205) is something most people would fear when buying a pair of flats, but not for me (or my sister who bought me them for my birthday, shhh!). I am used to buying flats that will last me 3 months if that and then fall apart with London's unpredictable weather. But I must say, it is far better value for money buying an expensive pair which you can wear all year round and wear with any outfit. Mine are the Classic Reva Ballet Flats (found here on their website http://www.toryburch.co.uk/reva-ballet-flat/50008606,en_GB,pd.html?dwvar_50008606_color=002&start=6&cgid=shoes-flats&prefn1=color&prefv1=Black)

I will not lie to you, The first day I wore these I got the worst blister, but pain is beauty right ladies? We all know that new leather flats need to be broken in a bit (these were probably just the most painful so far!) but it is worth it in my books!

If only I had found this youtube link on how to break them in when I first got them, it's definitely worth the watch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziSDIZ5hs5U
Finally, Number 3:

My Chanel lipstick. I used to think wearing "lipstick" was out dated and for elderly women (ya know, the ones who get it all over their teeth), but no! I love my Chanel Rouge Allure in Extatique (available on their website http://www.chanel.com/en_GB/fragrance-beauty/Makeup-Lipsticks-ROUGE-ALLURE-131548?sku=131559). It gives your make up a much needed pop, especially when I go for quite neutral eye shadow.

If you aren't sold on bright pink lipstick, look at how it has worked with the celebs below:

And that concludes my favourite things post. I hope you enjoyed <3

The Pizzadilla

Yes... correct "The Pizzadilla", where have these been all my life?
All you need is the below (but feel free to customize it as you see fit):

• Wholemeal Fajita Wraps
• Grated Mozzarella Cheese
• Red Onions
• Red/Green peppers
• Olives
• Jalapenos
• Pickles
• Mushrooms
• Marinara Sauce

Simply put the fajita wrap in your pan and add the cheese first so it melts and then literally dump on whatever you would like to be in your Pizzadilla. Whats great about these is that it tastes fresh and your vegetables stay crunchy because you only cook it for a couple minutes if that. 

I try to put everything on one side so I am able to fold it over but my boyfriend prefers to spread it all over and roll it up like a taquito! Heat your marinara sauce in a pan so you can dip your Pizzadilla if needed, and BAM.... you have yourself a Pizzadilla!!

If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up!

The above picture doesn't apply to anyone as much as it applies to me. I am 24 years old and have struggled with my weight since I was about 16/17. It's 2013 and the media has only put more and more pressure on women to look their best. I am most definitely at the heaviest weight I have been EVER and it's started to affect my relationship and self confidence.

I work as a Personal Assistant in Mayfair and as you can imagine there are beautiful people everywhere (again adding more pressure), but sitting at a desk all day doesn't really help. 

I moved in with my boyfriend of 6 months 2 weeks ago (I know very soon, but don't judge me) and when you get in that comfort zone with a guy you don't watch what you eat so much because you know you have someone at home who loves you no matter what you look like. I recently joined the gym close to my apartment and plan to work out 5 days a week, "plan" being the operative word! I am an avid "yo-yo dieter" and finally came to the conclusion that if I want to shift my excess "baggage" as I like to call it, I just need to make smarter choices and stay active. 

I feel like one of the greatest inventions as of late is Pinterest. You wouldn't believe the amount of health & fitness pins on there which I feel will guide me on my way to becoming healthier. 

As my first blog post I just need to get it in my head that "If I'm tired of starting over, I need to stop giving up", and I hope readers can follow me on my healthy journey <3