30th Birthday Speech

For anyone struggling to come up with a birthday speech... it took me 6 loooong months to come up with the below! Take a look :)

Hi everyone, I’m really sorry but I’m totally about to give a speech!! I never get the chance to so I thought today would be fitting.

Yesterday marked 3 decades of my life. I turned 30 and am celebrating this game changing milestone with some of my closest friends and family, so thank you for being here (even if it was for the free prosecco and my impressive donut wall). Louise, thank you for flying home early from a wedding in Ibiza for this, and to anyone who has had to make a real effort to be here, it means a lot!

Why don’t I start with some pretty major things that happened the year I was born? In 1989 The Berlin Wall came down, the price of a pint was 96p, we apparently narrowly missed being hit by 2 giant asteroids, the average house price was £57,000, the World Wide Web was created, The Simpsons aired for the first time and above all else, Andrew and Glenda Radcliffe had me… you’re welcome!

When I was 20 I had ideas on what might have happened leading into my 30’s, but facing unemployment and fighting for my boyfriend to come home from Africa wasn’t on the agenda, so I jumped onto Google and looked into “what happens when you turn 30?”. According to science, we just get better. Our brains sharpen, we actually start to own our personality (rather than many), are less insecure, stress less (although I find that one highly debatable), and most of all you finally feel free to be yourself. I have an awesome range of friends in here (special shout out to the Plastics and the Mean Girls, you know who you are!) who all accept me for who I am (unless there’s something you guys aren’t telling me, in which case this just got really awkward).

It truly is a wonder how I got this far in life. You’re looking at the girl who thought a Didgeridoo was a bird, zebras were horses with their pj’s on, Zimbabwe was in South Africa (apologies to a lot of the room on that one, although thanks to Sophie, I wasn’t the only one who thought that), I thought the lyrics to a Fugees song were “painting his thumb with his finger”, amongst many other lyrics I have gotten tragically wrong. I thought the phrase nip it in the bud was “nip it in the butt”. I cry at the drop of a pin, but mostly when I see old people on their own (just thinking about it now is making me well up). But if there’s one thing I do get right, it’s getting to the airport around 4 hours before a flight so I can allow for any delays and sensibly pregame. It’s the Radcliffe way to be hours early than 5 minutes late: isn’t that right Glenda?

Mom and dad you have been my biggest fans and supporters no matter how much of a pain in the ass I have been. Dad I know you’re currently thinking back to how many times I made your insurance premium go up on your car, and again… I am sorry… those other cars came outta nowhere, all 5 times!! After all you had my back when my history teacher called to complain about me failing; because you knew how tough moving had been (that guy was such an asshole anyway)! Or mom maybe that time you were called about me trying to skip school to get my first tattoo (such fond memories), but never forget when I punched that guy in the face who stole your purse from Pizza Express… after all no one messes with my mama. I think I have spent the majority of my life giving you both a lot of grief for making me move schools so many times, and firstly in front of everyone here, I wanted to say sorry and above all else, thank you because I stand here surrounded by people I otherwise wouldn’t have met. Without a doubt I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you both and I appreciate every single word of encouragement, hug and tear wiped away over my 30 years. I honestly don’t think I give you both enough credit for how much you do for me and I am eternally grateful. 

My sister Amanda; whose birthday is today if I haven’t already mentioned and apologies again for hijacking your day; It’s actually a running joke that me and my sister were born basically exactly 2 years apart… my dad’s birthday is 9 months before… now we know what moms gift is to you every year. Amanda, even though we are like chalk and cheese I consider you the best friend I ever had. It’s hard to believe we used to absolutely hate each other when we were younger. I used to try beating you up or you used to monitor the mileage on the car to prove to mom I had been lying about where I had been the night before; or how about that time you made mom drive around the block to catch me trying to skip my SAT prep class. God, I always loved you coming to visit us out there. No matter what, you have always been there for me and I am always appreciative of every little thing you do. You’ll never understand how much a simple hug or you saying “I’m here for you” means to me. Thank you for always having my back, as I will always have yours as we continue to grow up together closer than ever!

I have to give a shout out to Bryn, I honestly don’t know how you put up with me, but I think I’ve put up with more, so I win! You know, there’s not many people who can wake up next to a girl whose hair magically transforms into that of Donald Trumps and still calls her beautiful. I can never explain how blessed I am that you came into my life when you did, even after your little “deportation” issue, which I’m still trying to laugh about now; I have never felt so excited to pick someone up from the airport before. I’m also pretty sure my parents are relieved I finally convinced someone to date me, and someone who can fix things around the flat at that, what a bonus. Thank you for whacking the bugs out the way and putting up with my “hangry” attitude! Here’s to many more years arguing about what to have for dinner.

To wrap up, life has really taken me places and after 3 countries lived, 11 homes, 9 sets of flatmates, 9 jobs (soon to be 10, shout out to Fay and Lindsay), 2 redundancies, 1 flat purchased, about 1,253 meltdowns, and countless bottles of cheap pinot grigio it’s been compassion, free spirit and courage that has gotten me this far in life but I couldn’t do it without a fair few of you in this room, so please raise your glasses and toast to yourselves and me finally turning 30… cheers!

2018.. a giant punch in the tit

Do you wanna know what really pisses me off... everything! Literally... everything!!

2018 was supposed to be "my year", as everyone says every year, but this felt different. I have a great job at a great company, great friends, am 1 year into owning my first flat, which has finally come together, met a great guy who is now my boyfriend. Then everything just turns to shit. In April I found out my "boyfriend" was also seeing a couple other people after being "DM'd" on instagram. My flat always has something wrong with it and turned into a money pit. People who I thought were my friends really aren't and I have felt super ignored and neglected, even though I put 110% into every friendship. And to top this year off I got told I lost my job last Monday. 2018 can suck a major dick if you ask me! Honestly feels like I get punched in the tit 10 times a day.

I used to be surrounded by great people and friends at work, but now they've all left and I was left with one friend who spends most her time screwing her way around a friendship group and is more concerned with fitting in with the cool kids (who are fucking losers if you ask me). I usually eat in our cafe on my own, while everyone else laughs together and has fun. I then go out and read my book outside somewhere (god what a sorry case I sound like!).

I'm being forced to sign a settlement agreement at work which ties me in for however long it will take to sell off our portfolio, which could be anything between 6 months - 3 years???!?! I mean how fucking ridiculous is that. It's going to be a torturous (however long) of just disposing assets. Fun!

I also (no thanks to past relationships) have severe trust issues with my boyfriend, who can't seem to understand where I'm coming from. THIS RELATIONSHIP HARDLY STARTED ON TRUST BUDDY WHEN YOU WERE GOING AROUND TOWN DIPPING YOUR WEINER IN ANY CHICK THAT WOULD TAKE IT. And you know what, it's probably my fault that I've put myself in this position. What can I say, I was clearly "blinded by infatuation", blinded by someone who I thought was being honest and true. You can't trust anyone ladies, especially at the beginning. I unfortunately wear my heart on my sleeve (or some bullshit like that).

It's really true that as you head towards your 30's you really start seeing where you stand with people and you start being super cut throat about who you spend your time with and who you know is there for you as much as you are there for them. I have learnt so much over the past decade about friendships. I moved to London at the age of 20 and people who I thought were my friends back in the states soon enough showed that they didn't really care. I only truly now hear from a couple of them (shout out to Edgar and Katia.. ya'll the real MVP's!). I just turned 29 and I can probably count on one hand people who I can honestly rely on to be there for me if I needed them. I didn't have the privilege of growing up with the same people going to the same schools in the same country and going home to the same house I was raised in. I've never had a "home", I've never had a place to always go back to. Even the flat I just bought doesn't feel like home. My therapist told me that I "don't know who I am" and have no "sense of belonging". Putting a bookshelf up in my place was a struggle because I've never been able to do that before. Everything was a rental, a "the embassy wont approve of that" a "Emily why is there bluetack on your walls... I told you not to hang that here, this isn't our home".

People always wonder why I am the way I am. You know what people... I'm angry. I'm an angry person who is bitter about a lot of things in life that I didn't have control over. Moving every few years, switching schools, learning new languages, my dad running off with his secretary then coming crawling back.

Weirdly the moral of this story is that I am giving up on a few things. I give up on trying to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own. I give up on trying so hard at a job which finds me so disposable. I give up on trying to care so much about my boyfriend. I give up on always trying to keep up with appearances. I give up...

Love out of Nowhere

If you asked me 6 months ago, where I would be today... I'd just say "still single", sarcastically.

In January of this year I went round to my neighbour Nina's flat to complain about the people living below us who turned out to be heavy pot smokers and like to play trance music at 5am on a Sunday. She had her friend, Bryn, over for dinner, who was also South African and moved here from Zimbabwe. I thought absolutely nothing of it and didn't spend much time looking at him or acknowledging him at all. He tried cracking a few lame jokes, and I forced laughter... fast forward a couple weeks and he's added me on instagram, liked about 25 historical posts, and DM'd me (come on guys, you have to admit this obviously sounds like the start of a 2018 romance). He asked for my number and then we started texting. Come February, I had planned drinks out with my neighbours in Wimbledon and he tagged along. He was adorable. We drank (far too much) and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

We woke up in bed together the next day (yes... I know I broke one of my dating rules!) we laid, laughed and fooled around for hours. The idea of this usually makes me cringe and I would rather guys not stay the night, let alone hang out all morning. But with him it felt different. After catching the train to Wimbledon together (where I was supposed to go to the gym, but the hangover shakes took over and I ended up in Sainsbury's buying a pizza), I said goodbye. We texted all day.

I saw him the next day and the next day and the next day.... we felt inseparable.

I had a vacation to the US to see my friends and when I came home and Bryn picked me up from the airport at 6am, I decided this was the opportune time to ask "what this was... is this a relationship". I was told he doesn't like labels and was happy the way it was, which in reality broke my heart and I cried quite a bit. I didn't sleep a wink that night as he laid next to me.

He would like every picture on my instagram and comment cute kissy face emojis etc, and then I started noticing some girl called "Dom" who kept popping up as a viewer of my instagram stories. When I'd click on her profile it would say the only mutual connection was Bryn. I did some digging and saw they had recently gone to a concert together with a group of people but that was it. "Who is Dom", I asked Bryn... after a delay he told me she was just a friend, and I believed him. She wasn't the best looking person in my opinion anyway.

Fast forward to being invited to Bryn's BBQ where I was meeting his brother and friends for the first time. I met his best friend Shane, and his girlfriend Paula, who told me she was under the impression that I was being introduced as his girlfriend, which confused me even more. So I told him that I decided I wanted to back away if we both didn't want the same things. Only then did he start to change his tune at the thought of losing me. We both hugged and kissed it out and continued to drink. The party dwindled down and everyone except his brother had left. We were playing a game of darts in his out house, when he decided to put his hand on the dartboard and I completely shot a dart through his hand.... his brother caught it all on video and it was too good not to post on instagram. I kid you not, within what felt like 30 seconds, this girl Dom added me on instagram, liked the post and her name popped up on Bryns phone as a caller. I took one look at him and said "I knew you were lying.... I knew this girl was more than a friend". He started pacing and looking at his phone, looked up and said "I think she's messaged you". Low and behold I had a message in my DM's from her saying that they had been seeing each other for a year and he just met her dad on her birthday. And that she saw me call his phone last Thursday and he didn't pick up. I knew something was up, but when you're so in lust you're in denial. I stormed out his house fighting the tears back. He ran after me saying he'd been an idiot and was literally on his knees saying he'd stop talking to her, blablabla. After arguing in the streets for what felt like hours, I was emotionally exhausted and decided to stay the night. I continued to receive DM's from this girl (and her best friend???). I didn't reply to a single one.

Moving a couple months on, this man has done nothing but try and prove to me how much he loves me (that's right... he told me he loves me!), and we're with each other all the time, he posts me on his social media because he's proud of our relationship. But I feel like now the fact that he lied and cheated will always be in the back of my mind.

Do you all think I'm an idiot?

Do you think I should cut the cord sooner rather than later?

It's London....

It's rushing for your dear life to a job you never saw yourself doing when you were younger... but somehow fell into and now can't get out of because you have a mortgage to pay.
It's yelling at someone to "move down inside the carriage" because you literally can't breathe in the armpit of some 6'4" stranger.
It's Tuesdays... when I know I can get the Stylist magazine 12 hours early, from the same man. We don't know each other names, but always smile and make eye contact as if we've known each other for years.
It's giving the biggest sigh as the doors close to a Victoria line tube, even though you know another one will be arriving in 60 seconds.
It's paying paying £6 for a pint and constantly complaining about it, but going back all the time to do it again.
It's a place that can be so overrun and crowded, yet you can feel so lonely.

It's London. 

2017/Gender Eqaulity and Who Should Pay For The Drinks???

2017... what a year you have been so far! Going through the depressing motions of Brexit to having a misogynistic prick in the White House makes me feel like we are journeying back in time. I can't begin to express how disappointed I was in the men (and women!!) who voted the orange faced baboon into one of the highest powers in the world. This is someone who called women "beautiful pieces of ass", or that he would have "nailed Princess Diana", "Abortion is punishable", however Mr Trump hit a new low after the emergence of a video in which he discussed "grabbing women by the p****" and states that "when you're a star, they let you do it".... THIS IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?

But before I get into a #trumphatespeech I will go back to the point I was trying to make, which was dating. If the world really feels like we should go back to suppressing women, and not closing the gender pay gap, then ya'll can pay for damn dinner!! 

I am a firm believer that in this day and age I would NEVER expect a man to pay for everything on a date, especially with this whole equal pay gap conversation going around, and women fighting for it. So if we both earn the same, why should we expect them to pay for everything and be out of pocket? Since I've been back in the dating game I've come across many different kinds... 

1. I've had the older man who even if I forced to pay, he wouldn't let me, which felt frustrating because I didn't want him to hold anything over me, but it felt refreshing at the same time. 
2. I also dated one guy who treated me on the first date, then we split the second, and I got the third (although he did buy a few more rounds), which all felt normal and nice! 
3. AND THEN there was the guy (awkwardly named "Guy" as well), who everything had to be 50-50 with. I get that we should never expect a guy to pay for everything, but throw me a damn bone and maybe buy a single round more than me especially when you're trying to "woo me"... On our second date he even booked the restaurant, ordered (the most expensive) bottle of wine and ordered the food, to say "let's split it" at the end... I mean this guy wasn't even trying to fake offering to pay. This obviously made me feel pretty weird. Then 3rd date came around... nope still 50-50. Then he asks me on the 4th date and says he'll book the place and let me know what time etc. My response was a test: "Sorry, I'm totally broke this month after paying out for a lot so not sure if I can make it". Any other guy would probably respond with "well I can treat you this time" or "I'll get this one and you can get the next one?".... BUT NO!!! His reply was "well when do you next get paid then??". Ladies correct me if I am wrong but that was the MOST unattractive response ever and we haven't spoken since. 

I know, I know "equal rights" but we still have a massive way to go in terms of closing the gender pay gap. In fact on this exact day (November 10th) marks the day that women technically don't get paid for the rest of the year compared to men, and that thought makes me sick. And when I have a mortgage, ground rent, rip-off service charges and bills to pay all on my own, I think it would be nice to be treated every once in a while. 

Dating Rules 101

What can I say? It is quite the adventure. From dating someone who lied about their age (and ended up being 20 years older than me) to being sent several messages about my thoughts on English weather to being stood up in a bar and waiting an hour and 15 mins (try not to feel sorry for me though because the bottle of wine I ordered was great… I just didn’t need to ask for 2 glasses), the struggle is real!

It’s crazy to think that everyone in 2017 looking for a life partner will have to turn to online dating. Gone are the days of meeting someone while you’re out in a bar. Unless you’re lucky enough to work alongside potential suitors or have been introduced to your significant other through a mutual friend we can now add “Tinder Swiping Professional” to our resumes.

We all know people who are on dating apps, constantly swapping advice on which one is better. There’s Tinder, Bumble, Happn, eHarmony, Lovestruck, Match… the list is endless. But I will say that someone should come out with an online dating tips book. I’ve decided to compile a list of personal dating profile no no’s:

Stating your salary – It either looks really large so you think they’re lying, or it’s less than what you make, in which case you’d wonder why they’d advertise it. Plus you shouldn’t want a girl after just your money, there’s such a thing as a “personality” to win a girl over.

Usernames – These are key to being able to instantly determine whether someone is a total nob! If a message pops up from “NaughtyButNice”, “BigSteve” or “MrNiceGuy” no matter how many times you compliment me on my “beautiful blue eyes” I can’t get past my first impression of you insinuating you have a massive penis.

Opening Liners of “Hi” – you’re not giving me ANYTHING to work with here guys. Are you incapable of telling me a bit more about yourself or asking me how my day is?

Age Limits – They’re set for a reason guys. I haven’t put an age limit of 28-38 for no reason. Although you’re 25 dog photos on your profile are lovely (John, 58, divorced with 3 children) I must decline your offer of a drink because I am not looking to be a widow at the ripe age of 40. I know some of you will think “oh but age is nothing but a number”, well it’s more than a number when you aren’t able to kick a ball around in the back yard with your son because you just had your 3^rd hip replacement operation, John!

Multiple messages – especially days apart, almost begging for a response. Listen Derek, I got your message on the 27^th July, 1^st August, 3^rd August, 10^th August and again today. I must say that I admire your persistence but you’re starting to come off a little desperate and it’s irritating me.

My favourite opening line – “If you were a Transformer you’d be Optimus Fiiiine”, thank you for that one DearDiaryJackpot, your line was cheesy but I messaged you back due to your pure effort of coming up with that cracker!

Selfies – best to leave that to the girls. Anthony (39, lives in Chelsea) your 8 selfies of you doing the kissy face makes me think that you ticked the wrong “looking for” box when you set up your account.

“Looking for in a girl” – Remember guys, these are advertised on your profile and girls can see what you are “looking for”. One guy’s profile said he was looking for a Scandinavian, Russian or Finnish girl between the ages of 22-24 with green eyes… Best of luck with that one Brian, you’ll be on a dating site for a while with specifications like that. Remember you’re looking for a woman, not a car.



Edit - what's funny is I started writing this blog almost exactly a year ago and I have re-read it for the first time today and my times have changed... in fact I haven't really dated at all, deleted all signs of dating apps and men altogether. I have never felt so confident in myself and so happy with where I am in my life. 
I bought a flat at the end of November last year and moved in 30th May this year and it has completely taken up my time (in a good way!). I feel like I don't need a man to define me, to help me financially or to keep up with the Jones's. 
Women in their 20's come up with these faux deadlines of when they need to move in with a partner, get engaged, get married, have children, have more children... but then what. I used to say I will be married with children by the time I'm 27, which I laugh at now. I'm 28 with no man in sight. Why do we rush all these things in life and not focus on what we have right now and appreciate the freedom? I much prefer doing what I want, when I want, with who I want. Does no one else get excited by the thought that we have no idea what the future holds, and whose hand we will hold? He could be an older man with a lot of money, or maybe a waiter you met on a girls trip in Italy... you are the creator of your own destiny. 
I witness my friends on an almost daily basis driving themselves crazy because "another friend just announced their engagement". Well guess what... almost 80% of the time people settle. They settle because they feel like they should be doing what everyone else is and when they are doing it or because they have been dating since they were 15. Not this girl! I spent the last 8 years since moving to London trying to figure out who I am and relentlessly working on myself... not to waste it on the next guy I swipe right on whose profile is just like every Tom, Dick & Harry "6'2, easily found in a bar and has jokes"... original!
I am determined to find my prince charming and I'm in no rush to get there. Quit looking for the needle in the haystack ladies... instead be the one who accidentally stumbles upon the hay-bale and it sticks her in the butt by surprise :) 

100 Days of Happy (is this really happening?)

100 days of Happy. I have recently embarked on "100 days of Happy", where they challenge you to be happy for 100 days straight, create a hashtag (mine being #Jolly100) and post photos with a description of what made you most happy that day. 

Living in the high paced environment that is London it becomes extremely difficult to not get angry over silly things. Here is a list of my biggest pet peeves:

• Someone walking at a snails pace on the side walk in front of you; or 4 people walking together leaving no room for you to pass so you can catch your tube which only comes every 60 seconds
• Waiting to board a smelly train after it was delayed for (only) 6 mins
• Trying to fit in going to the gym after working over 8 hours at a job you know isn't really for you
• Wasting time on dead end dates, when all you want to do is be married to please your mother
• Paying the most ridiculous rent for a shoe box sized room 
• Leaving the house in summer with beautifully styled hair and a fresh face of make up to get on the tube and turn up to work looking like you just stepped out the shower with panda eyes
• Living with 2 housemates who have absolutely no clue about life and bitch and moan about the most mundane things (i.e. "why is the wifi not working" and sending dozens of texts back and forth in our group chat, for me to just go out and un-plug it and plug it back in for it to work again. I mean who would ever think to do such a thing?)
• Having other people at work who take the absolute piss but get ahead of you in the end

The list will honestly never end and I'm sure you all feel the same or can relate to at least 3 of the above. But alas! I refuse to be brought down by the hectic lifestyles we lead. I am determined to find something good in every day and make every day the best.

Day 1: I was sitting in the middle of the tube carriage (aka not in a priority seat) and gave my seat up to a heavily pregnant woman. I tackled through at least 3 sweaty arm pits to exchange my seat for a cramped standing position against an old mans freakishly long beard, and spent the rest of my journey scowling at the overweight lady sitting in the priority seat... but I felt good about the good deed. It can't be nice being heavily pregnant on a "sauna" tube with swollen feet! 

Tonight, after a dull 8 hours of reading through boring building contracts and answering ridiculous questions from people who get paid far to much for what they really do, I am meeting up with 3 of my closest girlfriends for dinner on the South Bank (photo proof of me having a fab time is still to come).

I think everyone should embark on 100 days of happy.... I mean it can't do any harm!