Should I stay or should I go?

How do we decide to leave or stay in a relationship?
You get to an age and stage in life when the person you're dating isn't just filling a temporary void, but someone who you start assessing; whether they are capable of being a suitable life partner, someone you want to have kids with, a person who is financially stable and mature.
I have been dating someone for almost 2 years and have been living together for almost a year. I am 30, own my apartment and have a solid career. My partner was born in South Africa but grew up in Zimbabwe (and before you ask, he's white), he's been living in London for over 5 years (despite a minor glitch in March where he got deported for 3 months after arriving back from our vacation in Zimbabwe with an expired visa), he's terrible with his finances, never cared about the future and has quite the "yolo" personality... but I love him!
He's managed to sort his finances, pension scheme and think about making a future plan, which has made things a bit better but I do feel like a have a heavy weight on my shoulders; and that weight is knowing that we'd be going through life with me as the breadwinner, me stressing about finances and planning life.
It's 2019 and I should be more than ok being the "boss" at home #feminism, but I can't help but feel a bit deflated by it. I used to dream of having a beautiful home, with 2 children, a golden retreiver wearing a red handkerchief scarf, driving a nice 4x4. Because my boyfriend doesn't earn much it would mean I would be giving all that up. But does this mean I should put superficiality and materialistic objects before my happiness?
Lately I've almost wanted something to happen to make a break up easier if I'm already having these doubts.

Caitlin Moran, How To Be Famous (page 8)

You don’t live in London. You play London – to win. That’s why we’re all here. It is a city full of contestants, each chasing one of a million possible prizes: wealth, love, fame. Inspiration.

I have the pages of the A-Z stuck on my wall – so I can stare at the entirety of London, trying to learn every mews, alley and byway. And when you take four paces back from the wall – so you’re pressed up against your chest of drawers, staring at it – what those network of streets most closely resembles is a computer circuit board. The people are the electricity jumping through it – where we meet, and collide, is where ideas are hatched, problems solved, things created. Where things explode. Me, and the sad man from Blur, and six million others – we’re trying to rewire things. We’re trying, in whatever tiny way we can, to make new connections between things. That is the job of a capital city: to invent possible futures, and then offer them up to the rest of the world. ‘We could be like this? Or this? We could say these words, or wear these clothes – we could have people like this, if we wanted?’

We are Henceforth-mongers, tying to make our Henceforth the most enticing. Because the secret of everyone who comes to London – who comes to any big city – is that they came here because they did not feel normal, back at home. The only way they will ever feel normal is if they hijack popular culture with their weirdness, inject themselves into the circuitry, and – using the euphoric stimulants of music, and pictures, and words, and fashion – make the rest of the world suddenly wish to become as weird as them. To find a way to be a better rock star, or writer. To make the rest of the world want to paint their walls electric blue, too… because a beautiful song told them to. I want to make things happen.

From then to now...

My name is Emily Jayne Radcliffe and I am 30…. 30!!! Looking back on all my formative years and I always imagined something different, as I'm sure we all do. When I was a teenager I used to always say I’d be married with 2 kids by the time I’m 27, which now seems so far fetched. We often spend so much of our lives planning and assuming instead of just living in the moment and going with the flow; constantly comparing our lives to our friends and people we see on TV. When the reality is that we all have separate paths we’re supposed to take. It’s sometimes an exciting roller-coaster or perhaps a straight path with a couple unexpected speed bumps, but we all make it our own. You are the maker of your destiny.

On the contrary I am happy to say that I am a completely better person compared to over a decade ago. I have significantly matured, I feel like I have a better sense of who I am and I am extremely responsible.

It’s crazy that I considered 17-20 the best years of my life. I was prioritising my crushes over school work, hanging out with college kids who didn’t have a care in the world (or a curfew for that matter). Driving over 100mph to frat parties on a Friday night. I once drove whilst shrooming and I no joke could have killed someone. I would go to the mall with empty shopping bags which I would gradually fill with stolen merchandise. I drove around soon to be convicts with 5lb of weed in the trunk thinking it was fine because I had diplomatic plates. I regularly used to drink heavily and drive home thinking I was fine. I lost a friend in a car accident because the girl driving was on a whole mixture of drugs, she crashed into a tree and he went through the windshield from the back seat; it turned into a big murder trial on the news. I had several one night stands with guys I barely knew because I thought that’s all they really wanted from me anyway, and weirdly thought it would make me more desirable, instead it just made me feel used. I got pregnant at the ripe age of 19 with someone who was sleeping with every girl between the ages of 15-25 in Fairfax County; my mother didn’t discuss much with me when I showed her the pregnancy test except that she would book an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get rid of it. I had a total of about 6 car accidents because of my pure stupidity which ended up costing my parents tons of money on insurance premiums. I had sex with someone as payment for fixing a wall that a “friend” smashed through during a party at my parents friends house I was looking after. I got cyber bullied terribly after getting in with the wrong crowd. The night I moved from NOVA to London the guy who knocked me up and stopped acknowledging me stuck a loaded gun in my face when I showed up to his house because his actual girlfriend inside (a year later I keyed his car pretty badly and another year on from that we got engaged, applied for a fiancé visa, which then ended terribly!).

Crazy right? I thought so… happy to say that I don’t do any of the above anymore and I work hard at my job, personal life and home. I am surrounded by great friends and family who are incredibly supportive.

Testing out "The Ordinary Hyaluranic Acid 2% + B5"

So I turned 30 and am now massively conscious about trying to keep my skin plump, youthful and hydrated. There's been a huge buzz about the benefits of "Hyaluranic acid" and how it's a powerful skincare ingredient that can help retain moisture. It's a humectant (preserve) that attracts water, hydrating the skin without making it oily. For this reason, serums that contain hyaluronic acid are ideal for those with oily skin. It has the benefit of plumping up fine lines and keeping you hydrated. It's a moisture-binding ingredient that can hold up to 1000 times its weight in water. Essentially a magnet for moisture!!!

Enter.... The Ordinary Hyaluranic Acid. I purchased this larger sized bottle from The Beauty Bay for £10.60, which is an absolute bargain when you compare it to other similar products which come in a smaller bottle. You get way more bang for your buck here... https://www.beautybay.com/p/the-ordinary/supersize-hyaluronic-acid-b5/

I have fairly sensitive skin so was quite nervous to use something like this that has a warning straight away about irritation and stopping use and consulting a physician straight away. 
I used it last night for the first time before my anti-aging night cream (Nivea Q10) and again this morning before my moisturiser (Nivea Visage Daily Essentials for dry & sensitive skin) and I won't lie... my face feels plumper (in a good way) and very hydrated! I would definitely give this product a thumbs up, but I'm sure I will need to use it continuously for at least a month to see real results.

Stay tuned... 

30th Birthday Speech

For anyone struggling to come up with a birthday speech... it took me 6 loooong months to come up with the below! Take a look :)

Hi everyone, I’m really sorry but I’m totally about to give a speech!! I never get the chance to so I thought today would be fitting.

Yesterday marked 3 decades of my life. I turned 30 and am celebrating this game changing milestone with some of my closest friends and family, so thank you for being here (even if it was for the free prosecco and my impressive donut wall). Louise, thank you for flying home early from a wedding in Ibiza for this, and to anyone who has had to make a real effort to be here, it means a lot!

Why don’t I start with some pretty major things that happened the year I was born? In 1989 The Berlin Wall came down, the price of a pint was 96p, we apparently narrowly missed being hit by 2 giant asteroids, the average house price was £57,000, the World Wide Web was created, The Simpsons aired for the first time and above all else, Andrew and Glenda Radcliffe had me… you’re welcome!

When I was 20 I had ideas on what might have happened leading into my 30’s, but facing unemployment and fighting for my boyfriend to come home from Africa wasn’t on the agenda, so I jumped onto Google and looked into “what happens when you turn 30?”. According to science, we just get better. Our brains sharpen, we actually start to own our personality (rather than many), are less insecure, stress less (although I find that one highly debatable), and most of all you finally feel free to be yourself. I have an awesome range of friends in here (special shout out to the Plastics and the Mean Girls, you know who you are!) who all accept me for who I am (unless there’s something you guys aren’t telling me, in which case this just got really awkward).

It truly is a wonder how I got this far in life. You’re looking at the girl who thought a Didgeridoo was a bird, zebras were horses with their pj’s on, Zimbabwe was in South Africa (apologies to a lot of the room on that one, although thanks to Sophie, I wasn’t the only one who thought that), I thought the lyrics to a Fugees song were “painting his thumb with his finger”, amongst many other lyrics I have gotten tragically wrong. I thought the phrase nip it in the bud was “nip it in the butt”. I cry at the drop of a pin, but mostly when I see old people on their own (just thinking about it now is making me well up). But if there’s one thing I do get right, it’s getting to the airport around 4 hours before a flight so I can allow for any delays and sensibly pregame. It’s the Radcliffe way to be hours early than 5 minutes late: isn’t that right Glenda?

Mom and dad you have been my biggest fans and supporters no matter how much of a pain in the ass I have been. Dad I know you’re currently thinking back to how many times I made your insurance premium go up on your car, and again… I am sorry… those other cars came outta nowhere, all 5 times!! After all you had my back when my history teacher called to complain about me failing; because you knew how tough moving had been (that guy was such an asshole anyway)! Or mom maybe that time you were called about me trying to skip school to get my first tattoo (such fond memories), but never forget when I punched that guy in the face who stole your purse from Pizza Express… after all no one messes with my mama. I think I have spent the majority of my life giving you both a lot of grief for making me move schools so many times, and firstly in front of everyone here, I wanted to say sorry and above all else, thank you because I stand here surrounded by people I otherwise wouldn’t have met. Without a doubt I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you both and I appreciate every single word of encouragement, hug and tear wiped away over my 30 years. I honestly don’t think I give you both enough credit for how much you do for me and I am eternally grateful. 

My sister Amanda; whose birthday is today if I haven’t already mentioned and apologies again for hijacking your day; It’s actually a running joke that me and my sister were born basically exactly 2 years apart… my dad’s birthday is 9 months before… now we know what moms gift is to you every year. Amanda, even though we are like chalk and cheese I consider you the best friend I ever had. It’s hard to believe we used to absolutely hate each other when we were younger. I used to try beating you up or you used to monitor the mileage on the car to prove to mom I had been lying about where I had been the night before; or how about that time you made mom drive around the block to catch me trying to skip my SAT prep class. God, I always loved you coming to visit us out there. No matter what, you have always been there for me and I am always appreciative of every little thing you do. You’ll never understand how much a simple hug or you saying “I’m here for you” means to me. Thank you for always having my back, as I will always have yours as we continue to grow up together closer than ever!

I have to give a shout out to Bryn, I honestly don’t know how you put up with me, but I think I’ve put up with more, so I win! You know, there’s not many people who can wake up next to a girl whose hair magically transforms into that of Donald Trumps and still calls her beautiful. I can never explain how blessed I am that you came into my life when you did, even after your little “deportation” issue, which I’m still trying to laugh about now; I have never felt so excited to pick someone up from the airport before. I’m also pretty sure my parents are relieved I finally convinced someone to date me, and someone who can fix things around the flat at that, what a bonus. Thank you for whacking the bugs out the way and putting up with my “hangry” attitude! Here’s to many more years arguing about what to have for dinner.

To wrap up, life has really taken me places and after 3 countries lived, 11 homes, 9 sets of flatmates, 9 jobs (soon to be 10, shout out to Fay and Lindsay), 2 redundancies, 1 flat purchased, about 1,253 meltdowns, and countless bottles of cheap pinot grigio it’s been compassion, free spirit and courage that has gotten me this far in life but I couldn’t do it without a fair few of you in this room, so please raise your glasses and toast to yourselves and me finally turning 30… cheers!

2018.. a giant punch in the tit

Do you wanna know what really pisses me off... everything! Literally... everything!!

2018 was supposed to be "my year", as everyone says every year, but this felt different. I have a great job at a great company, great friends, am 1 year into owning my first flat, which has finally come together, met a great guy who is now my boyfriend. Then everything just turns to shit. In April I found out my "boyfriend" was also seeing a couple other people after being "DM'd" on instagram. My flat always has something wrong with it and turned into a money pit. People who I thought were my friends really aren't and I have felt super ignored and neglected, even though I put 110% into every friendship. And to top this year off I got told I lost my job last Monday. 2018 can suck a major dick if you ask me! Honestly feels like I get punched in the tit 10 times a day.

I used to be surrounded by great people and friends at work, but now they've all left and I was left with one friend who spends most her time screwing her way around a friendship group and is more concerned with fitting in with the cool kids (who are fucking losers if you ask me). I usually eat in our cafe on my own, while everyone else laughs together and has fun. I then go out and read my book outside somewhere (god what a sorry case I sound like!).

I'm being forced to sign a settlement agreement at work which ties me in for however long it will take to sell off our portfolio, which could be anything between 6 months - 3 years???!?! I mean how fucking ridiculous is that. It's going to be a torturous (however long) of just disposing assets. Fun!

I also (no thanks to past relationships) have severe trust issues with my boyfriend, who can't seem to understand where I'm coming from. THIS RELATIONSHIP HARDLY STARTED ON TRUST BUDDY WHEN YOU WERE GOING AROUND TOWN DIPPING YOUR WEINER IN ANY CHICK THAT WOULD TAKE IT. And you know what, it's probably my fault that I've put myself in this position. What can I say, I was clearly "blinded by infatuation", blinded by someone who I thought was being honest and true. You can't trust anyone ladies, especially at the beginning. I unfortunately wear my heart on my sleeve (or some bullshit like that).

It's really true that as you head towards your 30's you really start seeing where you stand with people and you start being super cut throat about who you spend your time with and who you know is there for you as much as you are there for them. I have learnt so much over the past decade about friendships. I moved to London at the age of 20 and people who I thought were my friends back in the states soon enough showed that they didn't really care. I only truly now hear from a couple of them (shout out to Edgar and Katia.. ya'll the real MVP's!). I just turned 29 and I can probably count on one hand people who I can honestly rely on to be there for me if I needed them. I didn't have the privilege of growing up with the same people going to the same schools in the same country and going home to the same house I was raised in. I've never had a "home", I've never had a place to always go back to. Even the flat I just bought doesn't feel like home. My therapist told me that I "don't know who I am" and have no "sense of belonging". Putting a bookshelf up in my place was a struggle because I've never been able to do that before. Everything was a rental, a "the embassy wont approve of that" a "Emily why is there bluetack on your walls... I told you not to hang that here, this isn't our home".

People always wonder why I am the way I am. You know what people... I'm angry. I'm an angry person who is bitter about a lot of things in life that I didn't have control over. Moving every few years, switching schools, learning new languages, my dad running off with his secretary then coming crawling back.

Weirdly the moral of this story is that I am giving up on a few things. I give up on trying to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own. I give up on trying so hard at a job which finds me so disposable. I give up on trying to care so much about my boyfriend. I give up on always trying to keep up with appearances. I give up...

Love out of Nowhere

If you asked me 6 months ago, where I would be today... I'd just say "still single", sarcastically.

In January of this year I went round to my neighbour Nina's flat to complain about the people living below us who turned out to be heavy pot smokers and like to play trance music at 5am on a Sunday. She had her friend, Bryn, over for dinner, who was also South African and moved here from Zimbabwe. I thought absolutely nothing of it and didn't spend much time looking at him or acknowledging him at all. He tried cracking a few lame jokes, and I forced laughter... fast forward a couple weeks and he's added me on instagram, liked about 25 historical posts, and DM'd me (come on guys, you have to admit this obviously sounds like the start of a 2018 romance). He asked for my number and then we started texting. Come February, I had planned drinks out with my neighbours in Wimbledon and he tagged along. He was adorable. We drank (far too much) and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

We woke up in bed together the next day (yes... I know I broke one of my dating rules!) we laid, laughed and fooled around for hours. The idea of this usually makes me cringe and I would rather guys not stay the night, let alone hang out all morning. But with him it felt different. After catching the train to Wimbledon together (where I was supposed to go to the gym, but the hangover shakes took over and I ended up in Sainsbury's buying a pizza), I said goodbye. We texted all day.

I saw him the next day and the next day and the next day.... we felt inseparable.

I had a vacation to the US to see my friends and when I came home and Bryn picked me up from the airport at 6am, I decided this was the opportune time to ask "what this was... is this a relationship". I was told he doesn't like labels and was happy the way it was, which in reality broke my heart and I cried quite a bit. I didn't sleep a wink that night as he laid next to me.

He would like every picture on my instagram and comment cute kissy face emojis etc, and then I started noticing some girl called "Dom" who kept popping up as a viewer of my instagram stories. When I'd click on her profile it would say the only mutual connection was Bryn. I did some digging and saw they had recently gone to a concert together with a group of people but that was it. "Who is Dom", I asked Bryn... after a delay he told me she was just a friend, and I believed him. She wasn't the best looking person in my opinion anyway.

Fast forward to being invited to Bryn's BBQ where I was meeting his brother and friends for the first time. I met his best friend Shane, and his girlfriend Paula, who told me she was under the impression that I was being introduced as his girlfriend, which confused me even more. So I told him that I decided I wanted to back away if we both didn't want the same things. Only then did he start to change his tune at the thought of losing me. We both hugged and kissed it out and continued to drink. The party dwindled down and everyone except his brother had left. We were playing a game of darts in his out house, when he decided to put his hand on the dartboard and I completely shot a dart through his hand.... his brother caught it all on video and it was too good not to post on instagram. I kid you not, within what felt like 30 seconds, this girl Dom added me on instagram, liked the post and her name popped up on Bryns phone as a caller. I took one look at him and said "I knew you were lying.... I knew this girl was more than a friend". He started pacing and looking at his phone, looked up and said "I think she's messaged you". Low and behold I had a message in my DM's from her saying that they had been seeing each other for a year and he just met her dad on her birthday. And that she saw me call his phone last Thursday and he didn't pick up. I knew something was up, but when you're so in lust you're in denial. I stormed out his house fighting the tears back. He ran after me saying he'd been an idiot and was literally on his knees saying he'd stop talking to her, blablabla. After arguing in the streets for what felt like hours, I was emotionally exhausted and decided to stay the night. I continued to receive DM's from this girl (and her best friend???). I didn't reply to a single one.

Moving a couple months on, this man has done nothing but try and prove to me how much he loves me (that's right... he told me he loves me!), and we're with each other all the time, he posts me on his social media because he's proud of our relationship. But I feel like now the fact that he lied and cheated will always be in the back of my mind.

Do you all think I'm an idiot?

Do you think I should cut the cord sooner rather than later?