Do you wanna know what really pisses me off... everything! Literally... everything!!
2018 was supposed to be "my year", as everyone says every year, but this felt different. I have a great job at a great company, great friends, am 1 year into owning my first flat, which has finally come together, met a great guy who is now my boyfriend. Then everything just turns to shit. In April I found out my "boyfriend" was also seeing a couple other people after being "DM'd" on instagram. My flat always has something wrong with it and turned into a money pit. People who I thought were my friends really aren't and I have felt super ignored and neglected, even though I put 110% into every friendship. And to top this year off I got told I lost my job last Monday. 2018 can suck a major dick if you ask me! Honestly feels like I get punched in the tit 10 times a day.
I used to be surrounded by great people and friends at work, but now they've all left and I was left with one friend who spends most her time screwing her way around a friendship group and is more concerned with fitting in with the cool kids (who are fucking losers if you ask me). I usually eat in our cafe on my own, while everyone else laughs together and has fun. I then go out and read my book outside somewhere (god what a sorry case I sound like!).
I'm being forced to sign a settlement agreement at work which ties me in for however long it will take to sell off our portfolio, which could be anything between 6 months - 3 years???!?! I mean how fucking ridiculous is that. It's going to be a torturous (however long) of just disposing assets. Fun!
I also (no thanks to past relationships) have severe trust issues with my boyfriend, who can't seem to understand where I'm coming from. THIS RELATIONSHIP HARDLY STARTED ON TRUST BUDDY WHEN YOU WERE GOING AROUND TOWN DIPPING YOUR WEINER IN ANY CHICK THAT WOULD TAKE IT. And you know what, it's probably my fault that I've put myself in this position. What can I say, I was clearly "blinded by infatuation", blinded by someone who I thought was being honest and true. You can't trust anyone ladies, especially at the beginning. I unfortunately wear my heart on my sleeve (or some bullshit like that).
It's really true that as you head towards your 30's you really start seeing where you stand with people and you start being super cut throat about who you spend your time with and who you know is there for you as much as you are there for them. I have learnt so much over the past decade about friendships. I moved to London at the age of 20 and people who I thought were my friends back in the states soon enough showed that they didn't really care. I only truly now hear from a couple of them (shout out to Edgar and Katia.. ya'll the real MVP's!). I just turned 29 and I can probably count on one hand people who I can honestly rely on to be there for me if I needed them. I didn't have the privilege of growing up with the same people going to the same schools in the same country and going home to the same house I was raised in. I've never had a "home", I've never had a place to always go back to. Even the flat I just bought doesn't feel like home. My therapist told me that I "don't know who I am" and have no "sense of belonging". Putting a bookshelf up in my place was a struggle because I've never been able to do that before. Everything was a rental, a "the embassy wont approve of that" a "Emily why is there bluetack on your walls... I told you not to hang that here, this isn't our home".
People always wonder why I am the way I am. You know what people... I'm angry. I'm an angry person who is bitter about a lot of things in life that I didn't have control over. Moving every few years, switching schools, learning new languages, my dad running off with his secretary then coming crawling back.
Weirdly the moral of this story is that I am giving up on a few things. I give up on trying to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own. I give up on trying so hard at a job which finds me so disposable. I give up on trying to care so much about my boyfriend. I give up on always trying to keep up with appearances. I give up...
