Do you wanna know what really pisses me off... everything! Literally... everything!!
2018 was supposed to be "my year", as everyone says every year, but this felt different. I have a great job at a great company, great friends, am 1 year into owning my first flat, which has finally come together, met a great guy who is now my boyfriend. Then everything just turns to shit. In April I found out my "boyfriend" was also seeing a couple other people after being "DM'd" on instagram. My flat always has something wrong with it and turned into a money pit. People who I thought were my friends really aren't and I have felt super ignored and neglected, even though I put 110% into every friendship. And to top this year off I got told I lost my job last Monday. 2018 can suck a major dick if you ask me! Honestly feels like I get punched in the tit 10 times a day.
I used to be surrounded by great people and friends at work, but now they've all left and I was left with one friend who spends most her time screwing her way around a friendship group and is more concerned with fitting in with the cool kids (who are fucking losers if you ask me). I usually eat in our cafe on my own, while everyone else laughs together and has fun. I then go out and read my book outside somewhere (god what a sorry case I sound like!).
I'm being forced to sign a settlement agreement at work which ties me in for however long it will take to sell off our portfolio, which could be anything between 6 months - 3 years???!?! I mean how fucking ridiculous is that. It's going to be a torturous (however long) of just disposing assets. Fun!
I also (no thanks to past relationships) have severe trust issues with my boyfriend, who can't seem to understand where I'm coming from. THIS RELATIONSHIP HARDLY STARTED ON TRUST BUDDY WHEN YOU WERE GOING AROUND TOWN DIPPING YOUR WEINER IN ANY CHICK THAT WOULD TAKE IT. And you know what, it's probably my fault that I've put myself in this position. What can I say, I was clearly "blinded by infatuation", blinded by someone who I thought was being honest and true. You can't trust anyone ladies, especially at the beginning. I unfortunately wear my heart on my sleeve (or some bullshit like that).
It's really true that as you head towards your 30's you really start seeing where you stand with people and you start being super cut throat about who you spend your time with and who you know is there for you as much as you are there for them. I have learnt so much over the past decade about friendships. I moved to London at the age of 20 and people who I thought were my friends back in the states soon enough showed that they didn't really care. I only truly now hear from a couple of them (shout out to Edgar and Katia.. ya'll the real MVP's!). I just turned 29 and I can probably count on one hand people who I can honestly rely on to be there for me if I needed them. I didn't have the privilege of growing up with the same people going to the same schools in the same country and going home to the same house I was raised in. I've never had a "home", I've never had a place to always go back to. Even the flat I just bought doesn't feel like home. My therapist told me that I "don't know who I am" and have no "sense of belonging". Putting a bookshelf up in my place was a struggle because I've never been able to do that before. Everything was a rental, a "the embassy wont approve of that" a "Emily why is there bluetack on your walls... I told you not to hang that here, this isn't our home".
People always wonder why I am the way I am. You know what people... I'm angry. I'm an angry person who is bitter about a lot of things in life that I didn't have control over. Moving every few years, switching schools, learning new languages, my dad running off with his secretary then coming crawling back.
Weirdly the moral of this story is that I am giving up on a few things. I give up on trying to put other peoples happiness ahead of my own. I give up on trying so hard at a job which finds me so disposable. I give up on trying to care so much about my boyfriend. I give up on always trying to keep up with appearances. I give up...
Thursday, 2 August 2018
Friday, 15 June 2018
Love out of Nowhere
If you asked me 6 months ago, where I would be today... I'd just say "still single", sarcastically.
In January of this year I went round to my neighbour Nina's flat to complain about the people living below us who turned out to be heavy pot smokers and like to play trance music at 5am on a Sunday. She had her friend, Bryn, over for dinner, who was also South African and moved here from Zimbabwe. I thought absolutely nothing of it and didn't spend much time looking at him or acknowledging him at all. He tried cracking a few lame jokes, and I forced laughter... fast forward a couple weeks and he's added me on instagram, liked about 25 historical posts, and DM'd me (come on guys, you have to admit this obviously sounds like the start of a 2018 romance). He asked for my number and then we started texting. Come February, I had planned drinks out with my neighbours in Wimbledon and he tagged along. He was adorable. We drank (far too much) and couldn't keep our hands off each other.
We woke up in bed together the next day (yes... I know I broke one of my dating rules!) we laid, laughed and fooled around for hours. The idea of this usually makes me cringe and I would rather guys not stay the night, let alone hang out all morning. But with him it felt different. After catching the train to Wimbledon together (where I was supposed to go to the gym, but the hangover shakes took over and I ended up in Sainsbury's buying a pizza), I said goodbye. We texted all day.
I saw him the next day and the next day and the next day.... we felt inseparable.
I had a vacation to the US to see my friends and when I came home and Bryn picked me up from the airport at 6am, I decided this was the opportune time to ask "what this was... is this a relationship". I was told he doesn't like labels and was happy the way it was, which in reality broke my heart and I cried quite a bit. I didn't sleep a wink that night as he laid next to me.
He would like every picture on my instagram and comment cute kissy face emojis etc, and then I started noticing some girl called "Dom" who kept popping up as a viewer of my instagram stories. When I'd click on her profile it would say the only mutual connection was Bryn. I did some digging and saw they had recently gone to a concert together with a group of people but that was it. "Who is Dom", I asked Bryn... after a delay he told me she was just a friend, and I believed him. She wasn't the best looking person in my opinion anyway.
Fast forward to being invited to Bryn's BBQ where I was meeting his brother and friends for the first time. I met his best friend Shane, and his girlfriend Paula, who told me she was under the impression that I was being introduced as his girlfriend, which confused me even more. So I told him that I decided I wanted to back away if we both didn't want the same things. Only then did he start to change his tune at the thought of losing me. We both hugged and kissed it out and continued to drink. The party dwindled down and everyone except his brother had left. We were playing a game of darts in his out house, when he decided to put his hand on the dartboard and I completely shot a dart through his hand.... his brother caught it all on video and it was too good not to post on instagram. I kid you not, within what felt like 30 seconds, this girl Dom added me on instagram, liked the post and her name popped up on Bryns phone as a caller. I took one look at him and said "I knew you were lying.... I knew this girl was more than a friend". He started pacing and looking at his phone, looked up and said "I think she's messaged you". Low and behold I had a message in my DM's from her saying that they had been seeing each other for a year and he just met her dad on her birthday. And that she saw me call his phone last Thursday and he didn't pick up. I knew something was up, but when you're so in lust you're in denial. I stormed out his house fighting the tears back. He ran after me saying he'd been an idiot and was literally on his knees saying he'd stop talking to her, blablabla. After arguing in the streets for what felt like hours, I was emotionally exhausted and decided to stay the night. I continued to receive DM's from this girl (and her best friend???). I didn't reply to a single one.
Moving a couple months on, this man has done nothing but try and prove to me how much he loves me (that's right... he told me he loves me!), and we're with each other all the time, he posts me on his social media because he's proud of our relationship. But I feel like now the fact that he lied and cheated will always be in the back of my mind.
Do you all think I'm an idiot?
Do you think I should cut the cord sooner rather than later?
In January of this year I went round to my neighbour Nina's flat to complain about the people living below us who turned out to be heavy pot smokers and like to play trance music at 5am on a Sunday. She had her friend, Bryn, over for dinner, who was also South African and moved here from Zimbabwe. I thought absolutely nothing of it and didn't spend much time looking at him or acknowledging him at all. He tried cracking a few lame jokes, and I forced laughter... fast forward a couple weeks and he's added me on instagram, liked about 25 historical posts, and DM'd me (come on guys, you have to admit this obviously sounds like the start of a 2018 romance). He asked for my number and then we started texting. Come February, I had planned drinks out with my neighbours in Wimbledon and he tagged along. He was adorable. We drank (far too much) and couldn't keep our hands off each other.
We woke up in bed together the next day (yes... I know I broke one of my dating rules!) we laid, laughed and fooled around for hours. The idea of this usually makes me cringe and I would rather guys not stay the night, let alone hang out all morning. But with him it felt different. After catching the train to Wimbledon together (where I was supposed to go to the gym, but the hangover shakes took over and I ended up in Sainsbury's buying a pizza), I said goodbye. We texted all day.
I saw him the next day and the next day and the next day.... we felt inseparable.
I had a vacation to the US to see my friends and when I came home and Bryn picked me up from the airport at 6am, I decided this was the opportune time to ask "what this was... is this a relationship". I was told he doesn't like labels and was happy the way it was, which in reality broke my heart and I cried quite a bit. I didn't sleep a wink that night as he laid next to me.
He would like every picture on my instagram and comment cute kissy face emojis etc, and then I started noticing some girl called "Dom" who kept popping up as a viewer of my instagram stories. When I'd click on her profile it would say the only mutual connection was Bryn. I did some digging and saw they had recently gone to a concert together with a group of people but that was it. "Who is Dom", I asked Bryn... after a delay he told me she was just a friend, and I believed him. She wasn't the best looking person in my opinion anyway.
Fast forward to being invited to Bryn's BBQ where I was meeting his brother and friends for the first time. I met his best friend Shane, and his girlfriend Paula, who told me she was under the impression that I was being introduced as his girlfriend, which confused me even more. So I told him that I decided I wanted to back away if we both didn't want the same things. Only then did he start to change his tune at the thought of losing me. We both hugged and kissed it out and continued to drink. The party dwindled down and everyone except his brother had left. We were playing a game of darts in his out house, when he decided to put his hand on the dartboard and I completely shot a dart through his hand.... his brother caught it all on video and it was too good not to post on instagram. I kid you not, within what felt like 30 seconds, this girl Dom added me on instagram, liked the post and her name popped up on Bryns phone as a caller. I took one look at him and said "I knew you were lying.... I knew this girl was more than a friend". He started pacing and looking at his phone, looked up and said "I think she's messaged you". Low and behold I had a message in my DM's from her saying that they had been seeing each other for a year and he just met her dad on her birthday. And that she saw me call his phone last Thursday and he didn't pick up. I knew something was up, but when you're so in lust you're in denial. I stormed out his house fighting the tears back. He ran after me saying he'd been an idiot and was literally on his knees saying he'd stop talking to her, blablabla. After arguing in the streets for what felt like hours, I was emotionally exhausted and decided to stay the night. I continued to receive DM's from this girl (and her best friend???). I didn't reply to a single one.
Moving a couple months on, this man has done nothing but try and prove to me how much he loves me (that's right... he told me he loves me!), and we're with each other all the time, he posts me on his social media because he's proud of our relationship. But I feel like now the fact that he lied and cheated will always be in the back of my mind.
Do you all think I'm an idiot?
Do you think I should cut the cord sooner rather than later?
Thursday, 14 June 2018
It's London....
It's rushing for your dear life to a job you never saw yourself doing when you were younger... but somehow fell into and now can't get out of because you have a mortgage to pay.
It's yelling at someone to "move down inside the carriage" because you literally can't breathe in the armpit of some 6'4" stranger.
It's Tuesdays... when I know I can get the Stylist magazine 12 hours early, from the same man. We don't know each other names, but always smile and make eye contact as if we've known each other for years.
It's giving the biggest sigh as the doors close to a Victoria line tube, even though you know another one will be arriving in 60 seconds.
It's paying paying £6 for a pint and constantly complaining about it, but going back all the time to do it again.
It's a place that can be so overrun and crowded, yet you can feel so lonely.
It's London.
It's yelling at someone to "move down inside the carriage" because you literally can't breathe in the armpit of some 6'4" stranger.
It's Tuesdays... when I know I can get the Stylist magazine 12 hours early, from the same man. We don't know each other names, but always smile and make eye contact as if we've known each other for years.
It's giving the biggest sigh as the doors close to a Victoria line tube, even though you know another one will be arriving in 60 seconds.
It's paying paying £6 for a pint and constantly complaining about it, but going back all the time to do it again.
It's a place that can be so overrun and crowded, yet you can feel so lonely.
It's London.
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