Dating Rules 101

What can I say? It is quite the adventure. From dating someone who lied about their age (and ended up being 20 years older than me) to being sent several messages about my thoughts on English weather to being stood up in a bar and waiting an hour and 15 mins (try not to feel sorry for me though because the bottle of wine I ordered was great… I just didn’t need to ask for 2 glasses), the struggle is real!

It’s crazy to think that everyone in 2017 looking for a life partner will have to turn to online dating. Gone are the days of meeting someone while you’re out in a bar. Unless you’re lucky enough to work alongside potential suitors or have been introduced to your significant other through a mutual friend we can now add “Tinder Swiping Professional” to our resumes.

We all know people who are on dating apps, constantly swapping advice on which one is better. There’s Tinder, Bumble, Happn, eHarmony, Lovestruck, Match… the list is endless. But I will say that someone should come out with an online dating tips book. I’ve decided to compile a list of personal dating profile no no’s:

Stating your salary – It either looks really large so you think they’re lying, or it’s less than what you make, in which case you’d wonder why they’d advertise it. Plus you shouldn’t want a girl after just your money, there’s such a thing as a “personality” to win a girl over.

Usernames – These are key to being able to instantly determine whether someone is a total nob! If a message pops up from “NaughtyButNice”, “BigSteve” or “MrNiceGuy” no matter how many times you compliment me on my “beautiful blue eyes” I can’t get past my first impression of you insinuating you have a massive penis.

Opening Liners of “Hi” – you’re not giving me ANYTHING to work with here guys. Are you incapable of telling me a bit more about yourself or asking me how my day is?

Age Limits – They’re set for a reason guys. I haven’t put an age limit of 28-38 for no reason. Although you’re 25 dog photos on your profile are lovely (John, 58, divorced with 3 children) I must decline your offer of a drink because I am not looking to be a widow at the ripe age of 40. I know some of you will think “oh but age is nothing but a number”, well it’s more than a number when you aren’t able to kick a ball around in the back yard with your son because you just had your 3^rd hip replacement operation, John!

Multiple messages – especially days apart, almost begging for a response. Listen Derek, I got your message on the 27^th July, 1^st August, 3^rd August, 10^th August and again today. I must say that I admire your persistence but you’re starting to come off a little desperate and it’s irritating me.

My favourite opening line – “If you were a Transformer you’d be Optimus Fiiiine”, thank you for that one DearDiaryJackpot, your line was cheesy but I messaged you back due to your pure effort of coming up with that cracker!

Selfies – best to leave that to the girls. Anthony (39, lives in Chelsea) your 8 selfies of you doing the kissy face makes me think that you ticked the wrong “looking for” box when you set up your account.

“Looking for in a girl” – Remember guys, these are advertised on your profile and girls can see what you are “looking for”. One guy’s profile said he was looking for a Scandinavian, Russian or Finnish girl between the ages of 22-24 with green eyes… Best of luck with that one Brian, you’ll be on a dating site for a while with specifications like that. Remember you’re looking for a woman, not a car.



Edit - what's funny is I started writing this blog almost exactly a year ago and I have re-read it for the first time today and my times have changed... in fact I haven't really dated at all, deleted all signs of dating apps and men altogether. I have never felt so confident in myself and so happy with where I am in my life. 
I bought a flat at the end of November last year and moved in 30th May this year and it has completely taken up my time (in a good way!). I feel like I don't need a man to define me, to help me financially or to keep up with the Jones's. 
Women in their 20's come up with these faux deadlines of when they need to move in with a partner, get engaged, get married, have children, have more children... but then what. I used to say I will be married with children by the time I'm 27, which I laugh at now. I'm 28 with no man in sight. Why do we rush all these things in life and not focus on what we have right now and appreciate the freedom? I much prefer doing what I want, when I want, with who I want. Does no one else get excited by the thought that we have no idea what the future holds, and whose hand we will hold? He could be an older man with a lot of money, or maybe a waiter you met on a girls trip in Italy... you are the creator of your own destiny. 
I witness my friends on an almost daily basis driving themselves crazy because "another friend just announced their engagement". Well guess what... almost 80% of the time people settle. They settle because they feel like they should be doing what everyone else is and when they are doing it or because they have been dating since they were 15. Not this girl! I spent the last 8 years since moving to London trying to figure out who I am and relentlessly working on myself... not to waste it on the next guy I swipe right on whose profile is just like every Tom, Dick & Harry "6'2, easily found in a bar and has jokes"... original!
I am determined to find my prince charming and I'm in no rush to get there. Quit looking for the needle in the haystack ladies... instead be the one who accidentally stumbles upon the hay-bale and it sticks her in the butt by surprise :) 

100 Days of Happy (is this really happening?)

100 days of Happy. I have recently embarked on "100 days of Happy", where they challenge you to be happy for 100 days straight, create a hashtag (mine being #Jolly100) and post photos with a description of what made you most happy that day. 

Living in the high paced environment that is London it becomes extremely difficult to not get angry over silly things. Here is a list of my biggest pet peeves:

• Someone walking at a snails pace on the side walk in front of you; or 4 people walking together leaving no room for you to pass so you can catch your tube which only comes every 60 seconds
• Waiting to board a smelly train after it was delayed for (only) 6 mins
• Trying to fit in going to the gym after working over 8 hours at a job you know isn't really for you
• Wasting time on dead end dates, when all you want to do is be married to please your mother
• Paying the most ridiculous rent for a shoe box sized room 
• Leaving the house in summer with beautifully styled hair and a fresh face of make up to get on the tube and turn up to work looking like you just stepped out the shower with panda eyes
• Living with 2 housemates who have absolutely no clue about life and bitch and moan about the most mundane things (i.e. "why is the wifi not working" and sending dozens of texts back and forth in our group chat, for me to just go out and un-plug it and plug it back in for it to work again. I mean who would ever think to do such a thing?)
• Having other people at work who take the absolute piss but get ahead of you in the end

The list will honestly never end and I'm sure you all feel the same or can relate to at least 3 of the above. But alas! I refuse to be brought down by the hectic lifestyles we lead. I am determined to find something good in every day and make every day the best.

Day 1: I was sitting in the middle of the tube carriage (aka not in a priority seat) and gave my seat up to a heavily pregnant woman. I tackled through at least 3 sweaty arm pits to exchange my seat for a cramped standing position against an old mans freakishly long beard, and spent the rest of my journey scowling at the overweight lady sitting in the priority seat... but I felt good about the good deed. It can't be nice being heavily pregnant on a "sauna" tube with swollen feet! 

Tonight, after a dull 8 hours of reading through boring building contracts and answering ridiculous questions from people who get paid far to much for what they really do, I am meeting up with 3 of my closest girlfriends for dinner on the South Bank (photo proof of me having a fab time is still to come).

I think everyone should embark on 100 days of happy.... I mean it can't do any harm!